Navigating autistic identity
“Growing up with a chronic illness was difficult in many ways,
but for most of my life, I rarely encountered people who openly disagreed with me.
I was—and, at times, still am—a rather stubborn person. Because no one challenged me,
I often assumed that I was right. Looking back, I was quite full of myself,
but the trouble with being full of yourself is that you rarely recognize it
until someone points it out. I was fortunate to meet Hijiriko during this period of my life.
It took me a long time to consider that I might be autistic and to understand why
I was so frequently frustrated. I had become burned out from constantly masking many
of my natural mannerisms, such as walking on my toes or speaking very directly.
Even when I mean well, my forwardness can sometimes come across as scathing.
Because I tend to take what people tell me at face value, I did not
always understand how upsetting misunderstandings could become when
I misinterpreted someone's intentions. For a long time, I believed
the overwhelming sadness I experienced was simply depression.
In reality, much of it came from my mind struggling to process situations
and responses that I did not fully understand.
As someone who was stubborn and carried a great deal of anger, it took time
for me to accept this new understanding of myself and become willing to work on it.
Once I reached that point, however, I knew I had Hijiriko's support and guidance as a
throughout the journey.
I was never someone who followed schedules or carefully planned my day,
but I now actively consider how I spend my time. Over the years, Hijiriko's
guidance has helped me establish small but meaningful structures in my life.
I have learned the importance of going to sleep at a consistent time, eating
at regular intervals, and nurturing my body through routines that help me
regulate myself and plan the rest of my life. Most importantly, I learned
how to develop meaningful relationships with others and gain what
I now see as a support network.
Much of the anger I once carried has now subsided. Although I still experience
frustration, I have learned how to manage it with greater patience and grace.
My relationships with others have also become much deeper and more meaningful
than they were in the past. As someone with Autism, regaining that feeling of
being human was everything.”